Father,

By Allis Trauffer

Featured in Caesura 2020: Imago

Father,

I don’t fear your judgement “There is no condemnation in Christ” I don’t fear your hatred “You do not despise a broken heart” I don’t fear your wrath “Slow to anger, abounding in steadfast lovingkindness” So why am I afraid?

You were sorry you made humankind Are you sorry you made me? But see, to be sorry you made me You’d first have to see me And feel something because of my existence

We ask for your face to shine on us So can that face be turned away? You knit me together in my mother’s womb Can you knit mindlessly? You chose, select, and adopt us Was I somehow merely tossed in with the rest?

I fear that you made without knowing That you created without loving I fear that you stand far off That this distance I sense is real I fear that your eyes roam the earth But they pass right over me

I know you’re perfect I know you’re good Omniscient, omnipresent, unchanging So if there’s a flaw It has to be me Me, the One Broken Thing

I don’t fear you; I fear my ugliness

I am unlovable— But you are love And love is not dependent on me Love, the antithesis of the apathy I fear Proven, sacrificial, active You wouldn’t sacrifice mindlessly You have to know and see

But what is love When I am blind To those demonstrated acts To your presence and your caring I see your blessings But somehow don’t see you So I must be ungrateful

I see your people Sometimes as if through your eyes And I see their love to me But such expressions of love confuse me And when I name them as such They somehow morph into such piercing pain

How, if you love me Can I still believe you are distant? How can I still believe you don’t see me? You are my father Aren’t you? You see me and know me and love me

Don’t you?

You will not leave me alone In battling any circumstance So please don’t leave me alone In battling my unbelief!

I don’t know what it’s like to feel safe I don’t know how close you are You are love, and I am made in your image But do I know the basic meaning of love?

Let me know

Let me know your embrace In the deepest part of my being Let me feel Let me rest

Let me cry, heart-wrenched, on your shoulder As you rock me in the night to comfort me Let me tremble, terrified, in your strong arms As you tighten your hold to quiet me Let me curl, broken, to your chest As the undeniable closeness of your heartbeat drums my shame away I want to feel you hold me

Please

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Allis Trauffer is a computer science major at Indiana Wesleyan University in her third year. She loves her courses and her job at the Jackson Library but also loves putting that aside at the end of the day to play with her two pet rats, Shina and Tilly. She loves winter, biking, and writing songs and poetry.