Virginia Wolf had internal critics. Or, I guess the real news is that she had beautiful names for those inner voices that censor our creative process. She named one, “The Angel in the House” a female voice, the other “The Spirit of the Age”, a male voice.
Maybe my inner critic would shape up if I could just find a gorgeous name for it.
My inner critic doesn’t rest. It’s been going strong for over ten years, ever since I graduated from my MFA program in 2006 and starting writing regularly.
Currently, I’m working on my third book manuscript. Nearly every time I approach the project, waves of anxiety beat at my chest.
- My writing is a joke.
- This book is a half-baked attempt by a writer who just doesn’t have the talent to pull it off.
Then the criticism turns personal:
- I’m too flighty, too bubble-gum and candy to write anything really significant.
- I’m embarrassing myself.
- I don’t have the grit or the talent to really sit down and write something masterful.
- I’m not disciplined enough to be a truly great writer.
Then it turns absurd:
- I don’t read enough to be a good reader.
Currently, I edit an online publication called the Annesley Writers Forum. We are a collection of 50 women writing about life and faith. Part of my job as the chief editor is not just to curate great material for the site but to invest in these writers and help them grow their craft.
A few weeks ago, one of my writers emailed me: “I sort of feel like I should just part ways with Annesley. I feel like I never really have much to offer her.”
After I freaked out about her leaving (I don’t want to lose a single writer! I believe in each of them), I realized that that sentence wasn’t actually written by her.
It was written by her internal critic. There was the critic loud and clear, in black and white.
Now if my writer genuinely felt like it wasn’t the right time to partner with Annesley because she just wasn’t interested in writing or didn’t have time for writing or wasn’t energized by our community, then sure! I would understand and wish her well.
But, she is a gifted writer. She can’t help but write. It just oozes out of her. And she loves being a part of our community.
The internal critic was working overtime to make her feel deficient. If I could externalize her particular internal critic’s words, they would sound like this: “You are worthless to Annesley unless you produce something for them.”
Hear it? The lie?
I took a deep breath and wrote my friend back, “Don’t leave!” I said. “You belong to our community, not because of what you do for us but because you are a writer!”
Perhaps the most lethal thing about the internal critic is that it sounds exactly like our own voice. It is odorless, colourless, tasteless. Like Carbon Monoxide it fills up the rooms of our mind and heart, choking out our self-esteem, our creativity.
The term “internal critic” comes from popular psychology to name a sub-personality that judges and demeans a person. Different self-help books name different ways to vanquish this negative voice.
Some say to fight against the internal voice. Others say to befriend it and turn it into an ally. Others say the internal critic is simply trying to protect us from being hurt, albeit in rather destructive and manipulative ways.
The only way I have ever found to vanquish the debilitating effect of the internal critic is to externalize the negative thoughts. This is tricky because first we have to recognize the internal critic’s voice.
But the better I am at naming the critic, and forcing it to say it’s rubbish out loud rather than skulking along the wallpaper of my mind whispering it into my ear, the better I am able to squelch the lies and keep working.
For example:
Lie: I don’t love reading enough.
Truth: I constantly have books on the go. I check out 3 - 4 books at a time from the library hungry to read each one. I collect textbooks of literature just to read for fun. Not kidding.
Lie: I’m not disciplined enough.
Truth: I have written and published two books while being pregnant, managing toddlers, preschoolers and now school-aged kids.
Lie: I’m a mediocre writer. I don’t have the grit to be truly good, truly talented.
Truth: Well, that’s not really any of my business is it? I have one job - to write. My only business is to be faithful to that calling.
Once I can say the lies out loud and address them with truth, the chains turn to gossamer.
My friend wrote me back after I called out her internal critic. She wrote, “Thank you for your kind words (they brought tears to my eyes) … The struggle is real. ;) I appreciate you putting up with writer insecurities!”
No problem sister. That’s why I’m here. That’s why artists need community. We need a choir of positive voices on the outside to help tackle that one significant, dark inner voice.
Maybe there is no beautiful name for my critic. Maybe I’ll just call it, Sid. It’s enough to name it and recognize when Sid starts talking.
Christin Taylor is the chief editor of the Annesley Writers Forum. A '02 alum of IWU, she went on to get her MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University of Los Angeles and is beginning a PhD in Rhetoric and Composition this fall at University of Waterloo. She lives in New Hamburg, Ontario with her husband and their two school-aged kids where milk comes in bags and money looks like the rainbow. You can read more about her writing at www.christintaylor.com.