He told me that he was depressed on a bitterly cold day in January. I was driving and he was in the passenger seat.
“I’m depressed,” he said. “I’m in counseling,” he said. “I wanted to kill myself over Thanksgiving Break,” he said.
I cried. I clenched the steering wheel with dry hands and the leather was as cold as the sorrow seeping into my body. “Are you going to be okay?”
He asked me if he could smoke because cigarettes took the edge off. I said sure. He rolled down the window and his hands shook as the click of the lighter filled the car with the unsettling truth that, no, he was not okay. He allowed the pale smoke to curl away from his lips and join the winter air before he turned to me and said, “I’m going to be fine, Jamie, I am.”
I nodded and turned up the radio. He flicked the cigarette butt outside and closed the window as he launched into the story of the first time he met depression. He told me how alcohol filled the lonely hours and how anxiety followed him to bed at night. I cried for the second time.
Words are more powerful than people tend to think. To me, words create a shared space. A space where truths can be voiced and vulnerability is encouraged. A space where encouragement dries tears. A space where courage emerges through personal beliefs and discontent. Talking about depression is courageous because it requires the acknowledgement of pain. Acknowledging pain means admitting that life is hard and struggles are hidden far too easily, but courage isn’t supposed to come easy. Courage is climbing into the passenger seat thinking of ways to introduce your little sister to the depression that followed you into the car. Courage is being terrified of having the conversation, but choosing to talk anyways. Courage, by definition, means strength in the face of grief or pain. Courage is having a conversation because, contrary to popular belief, silence won’t make the pain disappear. So, talk about depression. Talk about refugees, eating disorders, racism, or whatever pain tugs on your heart because words will help to heal the ache and courageous conversations are an act of strength.
Jamie Tews is a sophomore English Education major. She loves peanut butter and enjoys listening to podcasts. After graduation, she plans to be a high school English teacher in Appalachia.